Dear Readers,
This past week has been awesome, but there have also been some hurdles to jump over. Firstly, there was Chris and Laura's wedding, which was awesome. I loved the way everything was really simple and fun and it was just a celebration!
Then, there's just been awesome encouragement with the blogging I've been doing. Thankfully, it hasn't been an issue of pride. To be vulnerable, I've been struggling with writing because I don't feel worthy, like I'm not good enough to share the gospel with you all. So when I get multiple comments and encouragement from people this week about what God is doing through all this, it reminds me He can still use me, and it doesn't matter how I feel about it.
But not everything this week has felt very good. The grief I sometimes feel will come in and out of my life time and again. Sometimes in waves, sometimes it makes me numb for months, and sometimes only for a moment. This has happened in the past week. The hard part about this struggle is that it won't always make sense. I've had countless people tell me nothing I feel will be wrong and there's no right way to feel, but that's so hard to understand, because you just want to feel normal. When you feel normal you just wanna know you're grieving right-if at all. Feeling numb is the worst of all.
The thing about greiving is it makes you desperate for a Helper. You don't feel like anyone understands (truthfully how could they) and you don't know what in the world to do. What I found is everytime I'm in the pit, He does come. It's never how I picture it, and often times I fight Him more than I allow Him to help, kicking and screaming. But eventually, He gets His way and rescues me from it all.
I struggle at this point. Because I always fail to forget that this doesn't mean I won't grieve again. It doesn't mean I'm fixed and sinless and flawless. The grief stays there, but so does He, and He'll always be there for me.
This past week has been awesome, but there have also been some hurdles to jump over. Firstly, there was Chris and Laura's wedding, which was awesome. I loved the way everything was really simple and fun and it was just a celebration!
Then, there's just been awesome encouragement with the blogging I've been doing. Thankfully, it hasn't been an issue of pride. To be vulnerable, I've been struggling with writing because I don't feel worthy, like I'm not good enough to share the gospel with you all. So when I get multiple comments and encouragement from people this week about what God is doing through all this, it reminds me He can still use me, and it doesn't matter how I feel about it.
But not everything this week has felt very good. The grief I sometimes feel will come in and out of my life time and again. Sometimes in waves, sometimes it makes me numb for months, and sometimes only for a moment. This has happened in the past week. The hard part about this struggle is that it won't always make sense. I've had countless people tell me nothing I feel will be wrong and there's no right way to feel, but that's so hard to understand, because you just want to feel normal. When you feel normal you just wanna know you're grieving right-if at all. Feeling numb is the worst of all.
The thing about greiving is it makes you desperate for a Helper. You don't feel like anyone understands (truthfully how could they) and you don't know what in the world to do. What I found is everytime I'm in the pit, He does come. It's never how I picture it, and often times I fight Him more than I allow Him to help, kicking and screaming. But eventually, He gets His way and rescues me from it all.
I struggle at this point. Because I always fail to forget that this doesn't mean I won't grieve again. It doesn't mean I'm fixed and sinless and flawless. The grief stays there, but so does He, and He'll always be there for me.
I don't think the message from Matthias could've come at a better time last night.
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.
When my eyes fail to cry, when my heart is worn down. I look at the altar I made one night in college (that night I felt I would never be okay again). I painted it down so I'd never forget, "He will turn dark into light."
The Father is always fighting for us (Exodus 14:14) we need only to be silent.
Chelsy.
I think I am finally figuring this out! Yay! Now I can comment on the wonderful insight you have!
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