Dear Readers,
Today was a day full of answers. There have been so many questions running through my head regarding grief. There have been completely hopeless moments that I felt so out of control, days of finding no real joy, and even times of extreme doubt when I felt like I was going to fall away from everything I knew.
It's hard to realize someone isn't here anymore, but even harder to know how to feel, act, or be okay now. I try to remember the thing isn't to want to be normal, I won't feel normal, but I desire to be okay. Meaning, I hope to still continue on, feel all the things that I might very well have to, but still have a life that feels worth it.
Yesterday was that breaking point, the one you get to when you run out of prayers or tears of repentance. You look yourself in the mirror and your stomach falls, you ask a question and somehow you hear His voice. You begin to cry, and it doesn't feel okay right then, but at least you've passed step one.
I found that in these times I'm just trying too hard. I want a quick fix, a pat on the back, to go back to normal and feel just fine again. God sometimes has a different way of healing. There's a wound. My first instinct is to cover it with a band-aid and call it a day. He sees that this could be infection if not properly taken care of. So He rips off my quick fix and digs the wound deeper, in order to cure the infection. I know He knows best, but the pain sometimes wins over my better judgement. When the feeling resides it's much easier to trust Him, to understand, to even praise Him for pain. But during that time you just wanna curse and scream, disregarding the outcome.
Today the infection has been cleared. It will come again and not everything is permanently fixed, but that's okay.
I prayed for peace, and instead of that numbness I found myself on wings like eagles once again. I prayed for His nearness, and He showed up plain as day. I prayed for better prayer and a love for the word, I see Him shaping that today.
I hope I can continue to remember when the next infection comes, and the pain is almost unbearable, that this is a season. Seasons come and go, but each have a purpose. Winter may bring the chill and the plants may die, but Spring will soon come again and flowers will bloom.
Grief has many layers. You don't just deal with death and get over it. I may not wake up tomorrow and just be normal again. But I will be okay.
Chelsy.
Today was a day full of answers. There have been so many questions running through my head regarding grief. There have been completely hopeless moments that I felt so out of control, days of finding no real joy, and even times of extreme doubt when I felt like I was going to fall away from everything I knew.
It's hard to realize someone isn't here anymore, but even harder to know how to feel, act, or be okay now. I try to remember the thing isn't to want to be normal, I won't feel normal, but I desire to be okay. Meaning, I hope to still continue on, feel all the things that I might very well have to, but still have a life that feels worth it.
Yesterday was that breaking point, the one you get to when you run out of prayers or tears of repentance. You look yourself in the mirror and your stomach falls, you ask a question and somehow you hear His voice. You begin to cry, and it doesn't feel okay right then, but at least you've passed step one.
I found that in these times I'm just trying too hard. I want a quick fix, a pat on the back, to go back to normal and feel just fine again. God sometimes has a different way of healing. There's a wound. My first instinct is to cover it with a band-aid and call it a day. He sees that this could be infection if not properly taken care of. So He rips off my quick fix and digs the wound deeper, in order to cure the infection. I know He knows best, but the pain sometimes wins over my better judgement. When the feeling resides it's much easier to trust Him, to understand, to even praise Him for pain. But during that time you just wanna curse and scream, disregarding the outcome.
Today the infection has been cleared. It will come again and not everything is permanently fixed, but that's okay.
I prayed for peace, and instead of that numbness I found myself on wings like eagles once again. I prayed for His nearness, and He showed up plain as day. I prayed for better prayer and a love for the word, I see Him shaping that today.
I hope I can continue to remember when the next infection comes, and the pain is almost unbearable, that this is a season. Seasons come and go, but each have a purpose. Winter may bring the chill and the plants may die, but Spring will soon come again and flowers will bloom.
Grief has many layers. You don't just deal with death and get over it. I may not wake up tomorrow and just be normal again. But I will be okay.
Chelsy.
It's such a blessing, knowing you.
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