Today has been a blessing. Firstly, because I got to meet with my boyfriend mom and just talk about life and relationships and the Lord's work. It was more than refreshing! It's so nice to have an older woman to admire and pour into me, because that's so rare in my life and to look into her life and be proud and inspired. I'm so excited to learn from her more throughout the days of my life and to have an image to look to of what a godly woman can be.
Secondly, yesterday I found a lot of peace in my heart. Last week I felt so on fire it almost felt wrong, although I'm not sure if you can relate to that. Then yesterday it seemed like there was a shift in my attitude. I love finding that place where the sea of your soul feels calm. I can't describe it, but when I listen to songs by Jon Foreman like "Let Your Love Be Strong" or "Twenty-four" it's just like this calm I feel and an overwhelming love.
I guess it all stems from having the right frame of mind, which I could explain as "comtemplative thinking". A lot of my struggles in Christianity come from forgetting to contemplate grace, love, faith, etc. It's so crucial to mull these things over because they never lose their depth or mystery, and contemplating them gives life direction and purpose. Doing so even slows the fast-paced American lifestyle.
I say all of this so I can talk to you about the dream I had last night. For a long time I've had this imaginative thought that since God can do anything and He sees my past, why can't He just send me back in time with a new heart to handle it better (although I know that sounds funny wondering if God would let me time-travel haha). Then last night I had this dream that I had been sent back to an event (which actually never happened, but in dreams these things make sense), one of which God had chosen to send me to (although I didn't think it that important). In this moment I had a confrontation with an old friend and I realized when it was that time to decide to make a better decision that I didn't know what to do to correct myself.
My dream made me realize a few things that I felt the Lord was REALLY trying to show me. Firstly, how does HE view the things I've done. I always have these big events in my head that "if only I would've..." then I would be "better", but what moments were crucial in HIS eyes in my lifetime that really defined me.
Secondly, I saw this: even if I could go back, I wouldn't be a saint. Although that seems discouraging, it wasn't for me. It reminded me that it's not about how I handled those situations of the past.
The Lord is more concerned with the state of my heart than the things I've done. My heart can be good, I will still make mistakes. Still, those situations will start to be handled better the more that He works in me.
For me, today, that was such a healthy reminder of grace, and the sea of my soul was again calmed.
And it feels something like this:
Chelsy.
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