To be honest:

Reader,

Honestly today was nothing amazing. I know the purpose of this blog is to encourage you. I hope that's where we end up in all of this or maybe you'll be encouraged somehow in my struggle. In order to be truthfully honest and genuine with you I want to share with you my heart tonight.

When you lose a father a lot starts to happen. At first there are a lot of questions and many more people trying to give you answers. I don't think 99% of them are right, but desire to be helpful anyway. One person in my life was right and he gave me advice that will last me a life time. One thing he told me is something I feel I've been struggling to remember today, and that was this: "When questions arise, lean on what you know."

I have had questions today. Too many to share with you reader and an abundance of them come from a heart of doubt, shame, fear, and regret.

There's this strange alien thing about this lose that I can't understand. It's like it hides away for months on end, and not thought or memory can shake you, and maybe you start to feel like it couldn't ever permeate the surface. Then one day, out of nowhere it puts a foot in the door and invites itself in. At that point it doesn't matter if it has been 6 weeks or 6 months, it feels like the day after everything happened. It's like a literally and physical numbness that takes over and steals away any business you had planned in order to slow down time.

That's the only way I know to describe it. My grief has robbed me today and I don't truthfully know what there is to do about it. Pardon me Reader, I hope I never discourage you, but I feel like I need to share with someone what I am going through. Because it's painfully lonely to go through it alone. Sometimes I don't even know how close my Savior is. My point is not to seek your encouragement, my Savior is strong and mighty and He will redeem His children. My heart may be far from Him, but He will not forsake me. I cannot help but know that.

"No, don't gloat over me. For though I fall... I will rise again. Though I sit here in darkness, the Lord, the Lord alone, He will be my light."

Chelsy.